In all fairness let me first state that a few days before my husband’s “thing”, (see post “What are you Focused On”) we did discuss it and I was in total agreement. I was even a little excited, so what happened. What triggered my thoughts, emotions, reaction… the day of the event?
One of the definitions of trigger in the Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary (11th Edition) is something that acts like a mechanical trigger in initiating a process or reaction.
I believe if the trigger can be found then one has something to work with to aid in change. Often times (at least for me) it is difficult to determine what triggered a sudden change of heart and/or mood. In this particular instance after really analyzing myself, being as objective as possible, I did come to a conclusion. That being fear of not doing everything perfectly and fear of negative judgment.
Growing up I cannot recall one time when I was told I had done something right, however I can remember countless times when I was told, “you cannot do anything right”. I believed then and I guess I still do, that nothing I do is ever good enough. Because of that belief I was always trying to do better to do everything right, and maybe then I would gain the approval I so needed. Therefore I put an unachievable expectation on myself, I want to do everything perfectly, and when I don’t the words from long ago, “you cannot do anything right” come back to haunt me and the same negative cycle continues.
My husband has told me many times that I need to learn to relax; now I understand what he means. I need to be more confident in knowing that I am doing my best and if my best is not perfect, that’s ok. I need to stop worrying about what other people might think about me and embrace myself and all my imperfections.
Like so many other things, I know that I will have to put this new found knowledge into practice and the more I do so, the easier it will become and the more confident in self I will become.
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Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary. 11th Edition (2012).