Failed Again!

It has been a while since my last post. Why? Well because I have been busy beating myself up (emotionally).

I failed again and started smoking. I cannot blame anyone but myself. I do not know why I struggle so much with this habit/addiction. I hate it and yet I continue to do it!

It is what it is and I need to stop focusing on my failures and start focusing more on my successes.

I am trying really hard to stop myself (when I realize what I am doing) from thinking about the negative and change my thought process to something more positive.

I know there is a lot more positive in my life then negative so why do I seem to put so much focus on the negative? I really, really need to work on this.

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Comments are always welcomed!

My Kind of Therapy

With all the changes lately (quit smoking, plant based diet…) there are days I feel like I am going nuts. I have a lot of nervous energy. In my attempt to harness some of this energy, I have started sewing again. I have not really sewn a lot over the years, even though I used to really enjoy it when I was young.

What I am finding out is that sewing is therapeutic, at least for me. Not only does it tap into my creative side, sewing also keeps me busy and is productive. I have even started selling some of my creations in my Etsy shop (RockenCo) https://www.etsy.com/people/rockenco

I really like the baby bandanas and have been asked to start making these for fur babies as well. My most recent attempt at sewing/quilting is the mug rug pictured in the introduction and below. I really enjoyed the cutting out and sewing of this project and plan to do more of these cute rugs. I have not decided yet if I should put them in my Etsy shop. What do you think – should I?

I have been trying different activities; drawing, bead work, crochet… in hopes of finding something to lift my mood/spirit and I do believe that, at least for now, sewing is my kind of therapy.

What do you do to help ease stress, depression or whatever puts you in a funk?

Thank you for visiting my blog,

Comments are always welcomed!

The Blame Game

Do you ever blame others or circumstances for your actions and/or behavior? I know I have and I could probably give hundreds of examples.

Let’s take smoking for example: I started smoking when I was about 12 or 13 years old – young I know! Why, well for one thing my mom said I could (what was she thinking)?

For many years I blamed my nicotine addiction on my mom, “if it weren’t for her I would have never started smoking.” That was my justification, my excuse. When in reality I probably would have started smoking (we will never know).

My excuse for giving up on my last quit attempt was my husband. He smokes and leaves partial packs of cigarettes everywhere (granted it is more difficult to quit under these circumstances but not impossible). So I blamed him for my failure.

So many excuses: “It’s my mom’s fault”; “It’s my husband’s fault”; “life is too stressful, it’s life’s fault”…and on and on. It is so much easier to blame others instead of holding ourselves accountable for our actions, our feelings, our beliefs about self… In doing so we are not being fair to ourselves or others.

I could continue to blame others and or circumstance for my nicotine addition, my weight, my whatever it is I do not like about myself, but that will not change anything. If I really want to change for the better, than I need to hold myself accountable instead of placing the blame on others.

I am responsible for my own success, failures, happiness…

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Comments are always welcomed!

Whole Plant Based Diet

As promised in my last post, I want to tell the readers a little about the whole plant based diet I started the same day I quit smoking. I use the word “diet” but it is really more of a lifestyle change.

Something I have learned from my previous failed attempts at quitting smoking is that each time I gained weight and did so at an alarming rate. Naturally, as I approached my quit date I was concerned about this not only because I do not want to trade one unhealthy habit/addiction for another, but also because I am already 40 pounds overweight and unhappy with my current weight (yet another issue on my “What I do not like about myself list”).

For several months now (over a year) I have been asking God to heal my body. I have numerous issues making it difficult for me to enjoy anything physical; it is painful even walking to check my mail. I used to love walking and hiking but currently can no longer do so because of my hip and back.  Around the same time as I was lead to start this blog I believe that God started opening my eyes. He does not wave a magic wand, poof you are healed! I believe that if I do my part God will do his part. Do I want to be healed yes, well then I need to take steps that are within my power to do so to improve my health, quit smoking, start eating healthy, stop all of the hateful self-thoughts and other self-destructive behavior. No more being fickle, it is about accountability.

Several days before my quit date I watched a documentary titled, “What the Health” and really believe that I was lead to follow this lifestyle change. I believe that my health will improve, that my body, with God’s help, will undo some of the damage that I have done through some of my poor lifestyle choices. The whole plant based diet just feels right for me.

I am enjoying trying new recipes, creating some of my own recipes and trying new foods I have never tried before. Key work enjoying, yes this is bringing me a great deal of joy.

This is a new world full of discovery for me and I hope to share with you some of the recipes I create and any tidbits I may learn along the way.

Thank you for visiting my blog,

Comments are always welcomed!

Updates:

This is day ten of my quit smoking journey and I am getting more energy, my lungs are still cleaning themselves and my sense of smell continues to improve.

After the first week on the whole plant based diet, while quitting smoking at the same time, I lost 2 ½ lbs. This is the first time I have ever lost weight when quitting smoking!

Quit Smoking – Day 4

Smells so good!

I am already starting to reap the benefits of not smoking.

Yesterday, after my shower I notice how good my cloths smelled. My sense of smell is starting to come back. I know based of my previous attempts to quit that my sense of smell has not fully recovered yet. Right now I am only getting glimpses, but when I do get a real good smell of something with it comes an overwhelming joy.

I so look forward to really smelling the good smells again (i.e., flowers, rain, the smell of clean…) and with that I also know the bad or negative smells will be heightened (you can’t have one without the other).

Something else that is beginning to heal are my lungs, they (as gross as it is) are starting to clean the tar and other nastiness caused by smoking.

It is amazing how something that seems so small, like being about to really smell, especially for those of us who have taken it for granted (like myself) can make such a huge impact. When we start doing the right things to take care of our temple (our body) it is amazing how God will also do his part. He (God) created the body to heal itself – awesome.

If there is something about yourself that you want to change, I want to encourage you to start today. Start with something small, one step at a time, trust God, do your part and God will take care of the rest.

Thank you for visiting my blog,

Comments are always welcomed!

P.S. On the same day I quit smoking I also started a whole plant based diet and plan to share more on this soon.

Review – Day 1 Quit Smoking

Yesterday, day one quit smoking day was not without its bumps. Several times throughout the day I wanted a cigarette. When I got theses urges I tried to make a conscientious effort to really analyze whether it was an actual craving or triggered by habit of smoking when I am involved in a certain action (i.e., used to smoking after a meal). Actual cravings were about three everything else was just because of the habit.

Overall I did alright yesterday. I certainly felt a bit stir crazy yesterday and I know this is because I am a bit lost. I am used to smoking and this addiction/habit has become a lifestyle for me and changing it will not be easy, but it is doable.

So far today I am still really stir crazy, I know this feeling will eventually pass.

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Comments are always welcomed!

Fear of Failure

This is it! Today is my quit smoking day!

Today is my first quit smoking day and I am excited, nervous and a bit afraid. I have tried to quit smoking a few times in the past only to have failed. Once I made it to the two month mark and the other times I made it to the three month mark. Failure sucks and I do not what to fail again, this time I want to be successful and never, ever smoke again.

I have certainly tried to evaluate my past failures and hope to have learned from my mistakes. I do know that about the three month period (for me) is when the real mind games begin and thus far I have given in to these mind games in the past. I am aware of this so hopefully I will be prepared when the time comes.

I am keeping a journal to include some planning ahead. I will try to share with you how each day is going and some of the benefits of quitting (i.e., better sense of smell) as they happen for me.

I really hate the smoking habit/addiction and do not want to spend the rest of my life chained to cigarettes.

What about you, have you successfully be able to overcome a controlling habit or addiction?  If so, how did it make you feel? If not, please do not give up, try and try again until you succeed.

Thank you for visiting my blog,

Comments are always welcomed!

Getting the Monkey off My Back!

I discussed the first item on my, “what I don’t like about me” list in the post, “Please Pass the Fickle” and I am working hard every day to overcome this by examining why I feel a certain way, what I am thinking about and changing my thinking and making myself face painful emotions. I know I have a long way to go but I am heading in the right direction.

I am ready to address another issue that I placed on that list, that being my nicotine addiction. I hate my nicotine addiction and even though I have known what to do about it, I haven’t. Not until now!

I have smoked cigarettes since I was a very young girl. This is a self-destructive, controlling addiction that I hate. It really is like having an evil monkey on your back 24/7.

I made a doctor’s appointment and asked him to prescribe a “quit smoking” aid (I have tried cold turkey before and did not get very far). I know I need help and I am no longer going to be afraid to admit it or ask for the help when it is needed.

My quit date is August 07, 2017. I will continue to post progress as well as the journey itself, in the near future.

My goal is to stop all the self-destructive behaviors, thoughts, believes…that has controlled my life and to find a place of self-acceptance and self-love. I am doing this one step at a time, little by little.

I realize that change takes time, but in order to get there you have to take the first step.

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Comments are always welcomed!

Lost

This past week has been a rough one, each day I felt as though I was trying to muddle through a dark thick cloud of depression. I felt paralyzed, unable to think straight, no motivation to accomplish anything just completely without direction or desire. Lost!

I spent a great deal of time everyday this past week praying for insight. I look around me and see all that God has blessed me with, so why the pity party?

For as long as I can remember, I have always been a pleaser. As a child I would do everything I could to please those around me, sometimes it was to keep the peace and/or stay out of trouble (in our house what was fine one day might not be the next, no consistency) and sometimes it was in the hopes of trying to gain acceptance and love. Either way, I have spent my life so focused on pleasing others that I have no idea who I am or what I am passionate about.

My children are now grown and have lives of their own, I recently retired and my husband of almost seven years is wonderful, supportive and low maintenance.  Because of this I have a lot of time on my hands to do what I want to do, what I am passionate about, therein lays the problem. As mentioned above, I have no idea who I am or what I am passionate about. I just feel lost.

For the first time in my life I am free to follow my passions, to enjoy what I want to enjoy and I have no idea what that is, at least not yet. Up to this point I have been trying to force some sort of, “be passionate about this or that,” and that is not working. I believe one of the answers I received from God today is to stop trying to force something into being and just let things happen (fall into place) naturally. This will take a great exercise of patience on my part, but I have a determined spirit. I want to live in the here and now and embrace each moment filled with passion.

Do you know what you are passionate about or have you lost yourself, like me, because you have spent all your time caring for others and forgetting about yourself?

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Comments are always welcomed!

What Triggered My Reaction

In all fairness let me first state that a few days before my husband’s “thing”, (see post “What are you Focused On”) we did discuss it and I was in total agreement. I was even a little excited, so what happened. What triggered my thoughts, emotions, reaction… the day of the event?

One of the definitions of trigger in the Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary (11th Edition) is something that acts like a mechanical trigger in initiating a process or reaction.

I believe if the trigger can be found then one has something to work with to aid in change. Often times (at least for me) it is difficult to determine what triggered a sudden change of heart and/or mood. In this particular instance after really analyzing myself, being as objective as possible, I did come to a conclusion.  That being fear of not doing everything perfectly and fear of negative judgment.

Growing up I cannot recall one time when I was told I had done something right, however I can remember countless times when I was told, “you cannot do anything right”. I believed then and I guess I still do, that nothing I do is ever good enough. Because of that belief I was always trying to do better to do everything right, and maybe then I would gain the approval I so needed. Therefore I put an unachievable expectation on myself, I want to do everything perfectly, and when I don’t the words from long ago, “you cannot do anything right” come back to haunt me and the same negative cycle continues.

My husband has told me many times that I need to learn to relax; now I understand what he means. I need to be more confident in knowing that I am doing my best and if my best is not perfect, that’s ok. I need to stop worrying about what other people might think about me and embrace myself and all my imperfections.

Like so many other things, I know that I will have to put this new found knowledge into practice and the more I do so, the easier it will become and the more confident in self I will become.

Thank you for visiting my blog,

Comments are always welcomed!

References:

Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary. 11th Edition (2012).