Have you ever watched a sink or a bathtub drain? The water seems to drain slowly at first and then as the level decreases a water vortex seems to suck the remaining water away quickly. That is the best way I know how to describe how the joy was sucked out my life.
At first I noticed I no longer enjoyed something I once did, and then another and another… This process seemed to speed up the past couple of years, to the point I no longer enjoyed anything. The joy was just sucked out of me. The loss of joy confused me, my life is not that bad and on the surface there is no reason to feel so sad and depressed.
I am a list maker so on my daily “to do” list I always put, do something you enjoy, and even had a list of things I used to enjoy (i.e., drawing, learning to play keyboard…). I thought if I made myself start on one of the items on the list I would magically get my joy back – it didn’t work.
It is hard to explain just how exhausting it is to constantly pretend that you are happy or enjoying yourself. I believe it was this exhaustion that finally caused me to stop running away from the real problem and deal with it, self-hate. If you are not happy with yourself how can you be happy with anything or anyone?
I mentioned in my last post that I was starting to experience joy again. Currently the joy is in little glimpses but still refreshing all the same. These little tastes of joy are energizing and giving me a new sense of hope. I know I have a long way to go and a lot of work to do, but I believe I will get there and I will do it one step at a time.
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